Hostage idol

Dear Minzo,

Hey bro times are cool here in Blighty, so I got a new job. It is cool for what I want in the time being, I’m a postman I save lives it’s quite hot. Seriously I do I went to deliver some mail to this house and the parcel wouldn’t slip in the door, I tried to jam it in but to no avail. Eventually I knocked on the door and this old woman came round heaving and panting; she grabbed the parcel off me and fidgeted to open it and I helped her and she gulped down the pills inside. She calmed down and told me not to bother ringing her ambulance and soon she was telling me her story while she waited for her medication to kick in. she was shaking like a pneumatic drill then she calmed down, after about 10 minutes I realised that I couldn’t wait to her to recover; I had mail to deliver, damn it.

So my job is kinda cool, I start at 6 am finish at 11:30 max, get paid till 2pm. Get in sort out the mail for about 5 streets, get in the car and roll. Deliver from 8:30 to 11 or so. I wanna get another job that goes from 2pm till about 6 or 7. that will make me serious money like 1,500 take home pay. I want to get a lifesavings and a life insurance policy: I laughed with my Polish housemate called Lena that “when I die I’m gonna be rich, I’ll be a millionaire!” She hates me by the way but she said, “I don’t know why, maybe it’s the light but you have never looked as handsome as you do now.” I took it as a compliment. She is kinda severe, that’s the only way to describe her, it’s kinda like when you see someone trying to relax but they can’t. She is like a Nazi on speed but that’s another story.

So my job allows me to interact with the proverbial broad spectrum of society I start off in a posh area and wind my way down into a rough estate where even the rats wanna leave and dream of the day they will move on up to Upper Wolvercote. It is amazing how simple physics dictates your social standing; remember in Africa how the rich live at the top of the hills, while the erstwhile minions toil the bottom. I have found myself attentive to several things like the weather, when it is sunny it is hot it is so much fun but when it rains you are mega pissed off. Another bone of contention is the letter boxes, basically the posher the worse. The middle classes have such a tight grip on their surrounding and their letter boxes reflect the esteem with which their hold their homes and the slots snap off your fingers and they throb like in Tom and Jerry.

My friend told me how he delivered to a house where the owner was wearing stockings and suspenders, I hasten to add that the owner was a man; surprisingly my colleague wasn’t surprised and calmly asked the deviant to sign the form. I will keep you updated on all future on goings. I have struck a goldmine of characters; for about 20 seconds random people let you into their lives and you catch a glimpse of humanity at its rawest. Talking of humanity at its rawest; I saw a funny documentary on a cannibal tribe in Papua New Guinea, the somewhat reticent cannibal was asked if he had ever eaten a person and he hesitated. “He was trying to eat me!” that makes it alright then. Imagine the irony; the cannibal came expecting to eat him and paow! This guy is hardcore; he eats cannibals.

Another man I feel sorry for at the momo is the editor of playboy Malaysia who has just been cleared of indecency. The is one of the things they should have looked into before starting playboy in an uptight Islamic country. As for Mugabe, please and they way the African leaders embracing him showed honour among thieves. I suppose he had the guts to do what they wished to do except they don’t have an economy to wreck.

Another fiasco has been the whole Iranian kidnapping scandal. What a farce, first the megaphone diplomacy with both sides being childish. Firstly the Sailors were on shifty ground or waters, they had no air support and their mother ship was too far away. When they were captured they should have observed the first rule of Marines “shut the fuck up!” we are told that marines go through rigorous training and can stand torture and interrogation. Not these guys, they wanted to be on TV, it is perhaps an extension of our celebrity culture. This was “hostage-Idol” but who was Simon Cowell? The reason why this crisis occurred was because Iran has various faction vying for power, this was the Revolutionary Guards attempt to solidify their power. The reason the crisis ended so quickly was that this power vacuum was exposed to he world and Iran didn’t want the scrutiny.

The “confessions” were hilarious, the lady almost said “I apologise to the people of Iran for being a Zionist Imperialist whore, I now realise the errors of my ways and will assist the honourable people of Iran in spreading democracy and freedom in the middle-east. I like it in Iran, I know my place here.”

Now she's rich after signing an Exclusive deal with 5 papers and a serialization coming soon. I must get kidnapped in Iranian waters soon, as a career move it is sheer genius.