PC world

TECHNO-FASCISTS RULE THE WORLD
There used to be time when sexually inadequate men were powerless and isolated; this time was a Golden age for mankind though we didn’t seem to know it. The whole technological revolution was merely a smokescreen for an overthrow of the then prevailing status quo. Before we were ruled by the most handsome, or the most clever, or the most ruthless; depending on our given need at the time. But now we are ruled by the most nerdy and techno-centric people.

It all started when I tried to buy a computer, this computer that I am actually writing on, I want to save this for posterity to pass on to my grandchildren so they can know just how hard it was for their granddad to get his first laptop. This is a tale of one man (myself) and his battle to get online and join the technological revolution, in the old days they were desperate to get people online but now they are more discerning. I read a few things online about buying computers before I set out on my trip. The usual nuggets of good sense that apply to buying any product; know what you want, get a budget and stick to it, view several products etc but I hadn’t reckoned on the nous of the computer salesman.

I determined my product. Laptop! Basic spec, as basic as you can get coz I don’t do any whizzy stuff. Budget £300 coz that’s all I could afford and these things are out of date so quickly, there’s no point in buying something that’s going to be out of date before you even tap in your PIN. I decided that the name wasn’t important and brands are stupid anyway. First stop PC world, coz ‘where in the world’ would you start to buy a computer. I perused through the laptops they had on display with the disdain of a more discerning buyer, I made a point of not being impressed by the various letters after the models. Such as 4-Gig. 2.5MB, wireless 3945abg, all of which was meant to blind me into stupidity.

The salesmen were giving it the hardsell to some other squirming customers; who were like bunnies facing floodlights, nodding incessantly like they had epilepsy (maybe they did, if so sorry). This elderly couple who had come in for a new printer were soon convinced that the computer was actually the problem, they also decided they needed dual surround sound with their hearing seeming to deteriorate annually. I was ostracized like a mongoose in a snakepit, I motioned for some attention several times and they looked at me like I farted. Eventually a salesman approached, to describe him would do justice to his comic appearance. He was a short fat ginger guy, but that isn’t the funny bit, he had dyed his hear black to fit in with his gothic lifestyle. He even dyed his beard which still betrayed its dyed roots; he emerged from his imaginary world of fantasy goblins to grace me with his presence.

I was like the wheelchair guy in Little Britain and pointed THAT! I pointed at the one I wanted. It cost £300 and that was all that mattered, it had everything I wanted as in a screen, keypad, internet, word processor, just the basics. “Sorry mate I can’t sell you that!” why oh why I said. “Coz it’s shit! I really can’t sell it in good conscience” Beware a salesman with a conscience. “Honestly, it’d be quicker to just give me your money and I’ll throw it out of the window.” That was really kind of him to offer but I would much rather have the computer thanks. “There is absolutely no point buying that computer, it break down in about a year.” I pointed out that it had a 3-year warranty. It didn’t matter because a plague would befall my house; he told me a horror story about his friend who made the mistake of buying that model and had suffered endless misfortune. I didn’t get all the details but it ended tragically with his wife leaving him. I took on board the moral of this precautionary tail but I was still bound by my budget. I told him that I would even sign a release form stating that I took sole responsibility for this act of stupidity provided I got my computer. He said “Come to think of it, I don’t think we got any in stock. Trust me you’re lucky.”

I pointed to the one priced nearly as conservatively about 350 but I was chastised again. “Are you stupid? That ones even worse. Honestly mate, there no point buying a laptop for less than £500. Then they start to get good.” That was when my hobbity friend broke into a rapid fire burst of techno-babble. Numbers and letters in various combinations, I thought a ram was a male sheep and a gig was some kind of entertainment. But my ignorance was soon exposed. “Ideally you need a desktop coz you can update the memory, start off with 4gig and you can get an upgrade……. My brain had frozen. I told him that I utterly despise techies, people who tell anyone who will listen just how much memory they have, how their graphics are so much better than everyone’s. I told him that I had not intention of joining the game of penis envy that is the techno-fascist world.

“Then this one is perfect for you, 3MB, Pentium dual core, 80GB, this one is so not penis envy. Trust me, no one will envy you at all.” At this point we had part I gave him an ultimatum that if I didn’t get the £300 one I would do something horrible like get a gun and force them to sell it to me but he still refused. He proceeded to write down the number for Dell computers, a major rival if I am not mistaken. He just couldn’t bring himself to sell a substandard computer when ubercomputers were all around. The computer I wanted was like a gay socialist cripple Jewish gypsy computer when there were all the Aryan computers around. Vhy did I Vant ze inferior model?

I stormed out of PC world and went into town, went to Curry’s and before the salesman could get into his spiel I said. “Look I have been trying to buy a computer all morning, everyone is full of bullshit and they don’t want to listen to what I say. I am going to tell you what I want and you are going to listen; if I feel that you aren’t paying attention then I am out of here. Understand?” He nodded. Krishnan and I went through the various choices on offer and he was such a nice guy I ended up exceeding my budget by 150. I sat back and I admired what I had bought and was pleased.
Just for the record my dick size is
ADVENT ERT2250
Intel core duo T2250 1.7GHz
1024 MB DDRII RAM
80 GB HDD SATA
About 7inches equivalent